Boyfriends

Is it weird and creepy that I still look up my ex boy friend on facebook from time to time? I guess I really never got closure to that relationship. He doesn’t have the security settings right on is facebook page, so although he hasn’t friended me so to speak, I can still check in on him every now and then. I also got on his fiancée’s page too. I know it reeks of craziness, but I am curious about her and them as a couple. I can’t even hate the girl, since she’s been battling breast cancer etc. Also, she seems really sweet and good for him. I guess I always looked at him as the one I let get away. He was such a great guy and I was a total idiot and thought I was all that. I had convinced myself that my high school boyfriend for four years wasn’t the one for me and I had to go on an adventure and figure out the world for myself. A lot of good that did me. I always wanted to tell him I am sorry for being that way. I know from friends and family that he had a really hard time getting over our break up and for the record…I did too, I just didn’t tell anyone about how I felt.
I hate that feeling of failure. I always wanted to live in the city in which I was born and raised with some type of huge status…you know something I could say that I have accomplished and that I am some big time lawyer or doctor or something like that. I am not quite sure why there is such a stigma on coming back to the city where you grew up at? I almost feel like people label those who come back to our city as the “losers” or something. You know…the group who didn’t do anything with their lives...which is totally immature, but I see it all the time. I feel even stupider for thinking I belonged in any such group. The truth is that it really doesn’t matter. There are no groups really and we are all just people. We all have our flaws and secrets. Some of us may have kids, no kids, money, no money, big career, stay at home parents, working the taco bell drive thru or a messed up tainted past, but we are all in the same life with each other.
I almost feel bad for not having a white picket fenced life that I thought I would get by going on my so called adventure in life...like I let people down or maybe, now I really don’t have a good reason for walking out on people like my ex boyfriend so many years ago. It SUCKs when you burn bridges that you want to cross again later in life. We just never know what the future holds.
I can’t say I regret everything in my life that has happened to me, but I do wish I had made a few right turns instead of left ones throughout the years. I can do nothing about my past as it is written in stone and permanent. I can only do my best to move on and embrace myself. I guess this entails getting to know myself and that means understanding my past and all the decisions that went along with it.
I do hope my mysterious ex boyfriend is doing well in life and is very happy and although I know he will never read this...I will say, I am sorry for being the biggest jerk ever to you and hope you know I ate crow like a mountain lion for many years after we broke up... (Whatever that means). That feels good to say that. It’s the truth.
Since having facebook I have got reconnected with a lot of friends from my past and also saw a lot of boyfriends from my past that have stirred up a lot of emotions I thought was buried in the desert thousands of miles away. How the heck someone found it and shipped it Fed Ex priority mail to my front door step is beyond me. I guess that is the one biggest downer to living in the city where you grew up at….a lot of blasts from the past!!! I am having blasts everywhere in my backyard, you might say it’s the 4th of July up in this mug!
Anyways...that’s the confession for now. Blessings

Journey Unknown

My eyes are closing, but this light keeps forcing them open.

Am I dreaming? My eyes squint and water as I try to focus.

These vivid pictures and memories begin to reel through a screen that I can’t seem to stop.

A stabbing memory of this girl riding an elephant at the circus with her niece who was around 3 years old at the time keeps surfacing in my mind. The girl is so vibrant and full of life in this memory. I look at this picture in my memory, questioning if it was real. Could this be me? Was I really that beautiful and happy? Could’ve I been this woman? It doesn’t seem possible. I barely recognize the image in the photo, but there is no denying it. It is me. A “me” that left a long time ago, in order to survive.

Where did I go for the last 13 years?

There are horrific things that can happen to a young lady that can change the course of her whole life. Starting with one horrific night, a girl can go from happy and full of life in her every step too a shell of a body walking down a familiar path she used to know as her own life. Her every move is robotic in nature and to everyone around her she is fine.

Every decision that follows that one night is like a chain reaction of bad decisions, one explosion right after the other. Trying to blame the consequences of each decision on fate or a bad hand of cards being dealt to her, never unlocking the truth from that one night that changed her life forever.

A well guarded secret with an electric fence and bullet proof glass. Not even I can go near it until it all came crashing down and the sight of a very familiar face which was engraved on my soul brought my defenses down in one smooth vicious swoop.

Everything makes sense to me now. I have to face my defining moment in a past now bleeding internally. It’s like being resuscitated and the doctors realizing that you have blood clots and internal bleeding within you and if you don’t stop it soon, you will die.

I feel like I have been sleeping deep or being awakened from a coma. In this coma, I can hear and see everything around me, but am unable to get any control or shall I say, “summon” up the motivation to start taking control in my own life. I can think about what I should be doing all day long, but taking the steps to actually achieving this, is that obstacle that keeps me down on the mat for the count it seems.

I can remember many important things happening in my life, but it is almost as if those times were brief moments of consciousness that came and went. So many struggles and bad things that happened to me have kept me in a state of paralization. I am waking up and realize this now.

My obsession grows as I try to put the pieces together. I feel ignored though. I feel like those who love me would rather I hide this past of mine. But I cannot any longer. It is a well timed bomb within me that only I can shut off.

My nights, dreams and thoughts are consumed with the horror of this night. It is uncertain to me at this time on how I will escape this madness.

I cry out to my Messiah. Messiah! Hear my despair, I am lost and can’t be found. Please find me! Please show me your light! He is the way, the truth and the life. There is nothing greater in this world then him, this I know.

Clinging to my faith is all I have left. Life preservers thrown out almost too far too reach. I must swim to them if I am to survive. If I could only just reach it

And so the journey begins.

the dark is real

(This is not for the weak at heart. I wrote this for someone very real, who had something very real happen to them.)


The Dark is Real

She shoves her flaws and secrets down in a pit of heavy black paint, hoping she won’t ever see them again. Painful secrets tied to an anchor, sinking to the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean.

She wonders why after all this time are these secrets surfacing in her life. Like someone untied a dozen dead bodies from the bottom of the sea, her secrets emerge, suffocating her charade.

She sees him.

He is not in her thoughts because he is her friend…no he is not a friend.

The sight of him squeezes the breath out of her as she looks away in denial as the truth of what happened to her traps her in a steel room with no escape.

He is not in her thoughts because he is a friend.

He is not in her thoughts because he is a past lover.

He is not in her thoughts because she knows him well.

He is in her thoughts because,

Once upon a time…a girl who was new to the world as a baby being born thought she would venture out to a party with people everywhere. Although she was with her own friends, she got left by herself.

She walked about this party with a drink in hand. She barely touched it because she wasn’t sure of her surroundings and was worried because she couldn’t find anyone she knew.
But…he saw her and he wanted her.

He tried to befriend her, but she didn’t really like him and he didn’t want to accept that.

She was kind and decided to be nice and talk.

She sipped her drink; little did she know that she drank of poison…a poison that would numb her entire being.

Sleep hit her hard, but did not give her mercy or help.

When sleep untied her for a moment…a moment of eternity…the feeling of her body being tied and weighed down by something…something that wouldn’t let her go…what was happening…

She felt her body being thrust back n’ forth…the sound of flesh slapping over and over again rang in her ears like scrapping nails on a chalk board.

She couldn’t move…but she felt and she saw…she saw him…she saw him…his face…never to be forgotten.

He thrust himself into her over and over and over again...throwing her lifeless body around to satisfy his desires.

Kissing…spit….sweat….screaming silently…..she can’t speak…she can’t move….sleep takes her away again, pulling her away from the horror of her reality.

Sleep can't last forever…

She can move…she sees him…he lays their sleeping…naked and disgusting.

Makeup runs downs down her face…her neck covered in marks from his aggression…

She grabs all that she can and runs…runs as far as she can from him…

Wash….washing hard….scratching so hard it hurts….she can’t get him off of her…
She blames herself…she must have done something….something to make him think he could have her…

But she didn’t.

She can’t live like this…she wants to make the pain stop….no one will believe her…she sees what happens to other girls….
She doesn’t want to be one of those other girls…

So she takes her secret…one of many…and buries it in the deepest grave she can find…
She pretends it never happened…she thinks she has forgotten…

Life moves on….finding life is hard to do when you never breathe the same way again.

Time passes…a lot of time.

Years go by, places to live come and go, babies being born, marriages emerging...life continues for her.

Life seems to rush by her…never quite fast enough, she misses the handle to the merry go round over and over again…she keeps trying...

In an average day being an ordinary woman doing common routines she does everyday…life suddenly cracks open…….knocking her to the already shaking ground…

She sees him…a rage of hate and sadness wells up in her eyes, she can feel it surfacing...she swallows it back down ….she stares him down till it hurts her eyes…she can feel his uneasiness as he feels her remembering him, her eyes slapping him across the face…

She falls to her knees when she is alone and cries out for the pain to stop and for the memories to die…She still wants to believe it didn’t happen…its easier that way.

Life continues to torture her as there is nothing anyone can do for her now…too much time has passed by…

She sees him all the time now…sitting in his truck, hiding from her choking stare...

She feels the truth of that night, as if it were yesterday…it forces her to remember that it was real…he is real…what he took from her….he can’t give back….he ruined her

No matter how hard she tried, she was never the same after that night…

There is no justice for her…she waited too long to face her truth…

Turning 30

Well, I can officially say I am 30 now and I haven't died nor passed out from mourning or anything. I chose to throw my own little party. I invited everyone that I could think of that I wanted to come to a gathering just for me. Although only a handful came, I was amazed at what joy I felt surrounded by all these people that had somehow impacted my life in one way or the other. It is amazing when you think of everyone in your life and how you met them or even close family members and all the struggles you have endured together. Who we surround ourselves with, whether they are close by or all across the country...they make up your life and what your about in my opinion. I had wished someone would throw me a surprise 30th birthday, but I am also not a retard and new nobody I knew had the time, money or abilities to handle such a task. But I didn't want to spend in at home doing nothing, nor did I want to be upset or avoid turning the big 30. So, I chose to invite whomever would come to spend time with me and in the end it was spectacular and I honestly felt allot of love and happiness. I believe that these moments in life are necessary, knowing you matter in the lives of others is a wonderful and I was beaming this night. There is no price tag for getting together with people you love and care about it and it was all worth it. Even though I made them all pay for themselves...they still came, such good friends they are. We went to a fancy restaurant called the Thomas House in Marshfield, WI and enjoyed a nice meal w/ drinks. Closed my night off with a movie with my best friend and my husband, followed by relaxing on the couch at home enjoying conversation. Thanks to my wonderful daddy who watched my three boys, this was all possible.
So, although I am not where I want to be in life and have many worries floating in my brain, there is much a happiness to be found in what I have accomplished. I have bought my first home, I now have a college degree, I have 3 healthy strapping young boys and another child on the way, have a good relationship w/ everyone in my immediate family, am finding myself more so then ever, my relationship is growing with God, reconnected with so many friends and much more that I can't think of right now. But I'd say I am doing okay.
Plans for the future including remodeling on our house, getting my Masters, getting a financially secure job, working on my marriage..so it lasts another 20 years or so, bringing up my boys in the best way possible and whoever this other little person is inside me, getting new or used vehicles...preferably in better shape than the ones we have, paying off many debts, landscaping my yard w/ garden included, putting a fence up..privacy that is, do some traveling outside the U.S, go on a missionary trip with some of my kids hopefully, and the last thing I can think of, but most importantly.....figuring out what, when and how God is going to bring his calling over my life to pass. I question if I have a calling at times...although I know that is the enemy, but times a clicking and I need to get moving. I know seeking him out in the Word, prayer, worship and on my knees is where I will find these answers, but learning to discipline myself and my spirit to do these things is the tricky part and the flesh is weak as of presently...so need work on that...oh yes.
So..its almost 3am..I was sick most the night...then felt like eating oranges and am currently finishing them off w/ a glass of ice water. Hoping they don't come back to haunt me. I can here my babies sleeping upstairs peacefully, my husband snoring loud enough in our bedroom...I could swear a train was coming through our room, our finances are a mess and the future is unclear, but yet I feel peace...strangely enough. I am human and am worrying, but I know God has got a plan and I give my worries to him right now and put my trust in him to bring us through. Thank you Jesus for another year of life and bringing me into my 30's gracefully. Lord..I thank you for all you've given me.

Well...I am getting tired..time for some sleep, that's if that train will take a hike to the next town..we shall see..LOL.
Till next time.

2012

The movie 2012, Hmmm. I have to say this movie wasn't half bad. Now, remember I am not one that tries to predict movies and what will happen in them before I watch them. That just sets you up for disappointment. I enjoyed this movie, but glad I didn't pay the money at the theatre just the same. The movie starts with a family of four whose parents are divorces or separated. A father who is a writer, a published writer that hasn't sold many books but is trying to find his way. The mother has moved on to some extent with a plastic surgeon partner whom she and the children are living with. This of course bothers the father and he isn't exactly happy with the situation, but copes. The action starts out with the father taking the kids whom he hasn't spent allot of time with lately on a camping trip at Yellowstone Park. There he meets a nutty guy whom seems like he's a bit insane but rants and raves about the end of times and has proof to back it up. The family then embarks on a adventure to save their lives. The father finds out that the the guy at the campsite is telling the truth, which sets him on a wild race to get his children and their mother to safety. He rents a plane and rescues the family plus the plastic surgeon. They then fly to a big airport where he meets up with a guy he drove limo for who is the Russian dude in the movie and has a big airplane that they all board and try to fly to China. They need to fill up w/ gas, but can't as everything is covered in lava. They eventually land and take up with some other people to get to the arks that the government have waiting. These arks however only have seats saved or reserved for the rich and wealthy who paid hansom amounts of money to get them.
So..to me the movie is throughout a constant battle of humanity and whether or not money is worth more, as people fight for their lives to survive this devastation. Eventually many are saved on the arks, but not enough. Less than 400,000 of our population in the world survive. There are many hero's in the movie and selfless acts throughout that pull at your heart strings every now and then. There is also allot of funny lines throughout that keep your mood steady. Overall, I give this movie a B-. ( Sorry about not mentioning actor names and if my description is sketchy..but I am not a professional, just my opinion)

03-12-10

I am reading this book by Wendy Alec, called Journal of the Unknown Prophet; A Visitation of Jesus Christ. Though I am behind in my daily devotions as I tend to forget to put God first quite a bit...I admit. Some days I forget completely to give him some time. If I were God..I would have left me along time ago..I wouldn't have wanted to be friends with someone who always forgets about me and never gives me the time of day. But thank GOD..I am not...God is not like that..he forgives and his love is unconditional for me. No matter how much time I spend away from, he is still their by my side..waiting for me, holding me when I need it and protecting me. What a awesome God we have.
Yehovah...your love blows me away every day. When I stop to think about what a forgiving and loving God you are..I find myself near weeping and in awe of your presence. I am not deserving of your love, yet you love me anyway. I sin everyday against you and yet when I ask to be forgiven, you wipe my slate clean and we start fresh. There is none like you Father..Oh Messiah...I cry out to you this morning for strength and understanding. What is your plan for me? I feel like I have been pacing for so many years. I don't want to run from your path for me, but I can't see it. Please help me see it. The trees, debris and dirt have long since covered my calling from you. I have let life and all of its pressures corrode my walk with you. It is my prayer Father that with you by my side, I begin to clean this path up and get rid of all that is not of you. I have this undeniable longing to follow you Father, but I am scared that I am not capable of all you have for me. Build me up Father in your Word, help me to discipline my mind, body and soul to put you first everyday as we begin again.

Hast thou not known? Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? There is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31 KJV.

I have to say..I love this book. Today's devotion was for those experiencing Weariness, which seems to be a major theme for me these days. It is so apparent to me, more than I'd like to admit, just how much I have lost sight of the hand of God upon my life. It is so true that as we as Christians enter into the end of ages with all of its cares and pressures, so shall our increasing desperation for a refreshing in him increase. It is so hard to admit that we are nothing without him. I should say this is hard to accept. What do you mean..I am nothing without you? Who do you think you are? This is a reaction I hear allot. We always think we can do it on our own. But I can say through my own experience that this is not so. I have tried over and over again to do it on my own and like treading in the ocean for hours or days on end, I failed and sank to the bottom of the ocean. Once you know God and have felt him move in your life or even if you like me grew up with him ingrained in your head as a child...you have this foundation or anchor in him that is a hard chain to cut away. It is firmly anchored in him, no matter how far you stray from him..it pulls you back. I have always felt it tugging at me....no matter how much I tried to resist. There is no denying that I get frustrated and irritated when I am not able to do what I need to do, but without him this is what we will become. He needs to be the "source of our lives."
(Yehovah...be all consuming in me..help me to develop a need so strong, that unless I draw close to you..I won't be able to survive..Be my existence each day.I come to you Father, to rest, to be refreshed and anointed.)
Strangely enough, when I think about my life with God thus far, I am always brought back to a old childhood song. You know the one.. " This little light of Mine," but the most important to me is the part that goes, "Hide it under a bushel..NO!..I am going to let it shine." I am surprised at how much this song comes into my head. But I know that God knows it has meaning to me and had even bigger meaning to me when I was a child and his calling was first put into the very depths of my soul. It is a reminder. I was assisting in Sunday school this last Sunday in the 2's & 3's and we sang that song. It really tugged at my heart and convicted my spirit in a surprising way. How powerful this childhood song is! It is so easy to back away from this world that condemns us for our beliefs in the Word of God. The Bible is so relevant to our lives and I know we can't rip out the pages we dislike because its just to hard to live by them. We have made so many exceptions to God's word...when we should not..we are not the author of this Bible..I am amazed that God hasn't shot us all down with lightning bolts as some of us try to rewrite the Word of God to our liking. I am not perfect and am guilty of this very act, but I am striving to not do this and to let God's word resonate within me. I feel we all have our own personal convictions and we shouldn't push those on others. It is so easy to pass judgement on others, but in reality, it is the big guy upstairs that is all knowing and the ultimate one to judge anyone.
Okay...I am done rambling for the morning. Until next time. Sorry if my thoughts were all over the place. But I guess this is the one place we can express and be scattered.

Bedtime

I have to say the best time of my day is bedtime. Although right now, my boys are fighting upstairs screaming "liar, pants on fire," and "Ezekiel hit me," or "Daniel's lying..he hit me first." They have supper around 5pm and then snack at 6:20pm or so...Then its time to brush teeth and get ready for bed. This may be early for some, but my boys take along time to get ready for bed and I have a ritual that I do with them every night. I spend about 15 minutes with them individually, where we talk, get tickled alot and play pretend games.
Tonight with Daniel who is my four year old, this consisted of him laying under his cover as he waits for me to come into his room. I can hear him giggling in anticipation for me to give him a jumper cable tickle, I can barely contain my own laughter when he does this. The rest of our time consits of alot of tickling and pretending I was a bird and he was a worm. So I pick him up and carry him to my pretend nest and tickle him some more. I love listening to him laugh so hard he can barely stand it. We pray, hug, give kisses and I remind him how much I love him.
Then onto Ezekiel my six year old who loves to play pretend. Tonight we did the bird and worm, lion and rhino and tiger and deer combinations. This usually is me pretending I am the animal he chooses for me to be and I tickle him and act like the animal. I am sure this would make quite a bit of people laugh at me if they could see me growling like a tiger or tweeting like a bird. He loves it and its a way for me to get into his world for a moment and spend some time with him. We also pray, hug and give kisses and then I do the fluff tickle, which is me fluffing the blanket a couple of times as he waits for the tickle explosion, which I suprise him with when he least suspects it. He makes me smile so much, I can feel my heart warming.
Then onto Elijah, my nine year old where we pray, hug and give kisses. I tickle him a little bit, but mostly we just talk about his day. Today he told me about his friend Hunter and he just knows Hunter has a crush on a girl named Olivia, because he wipes her kooties (sp) off of himself everytime she touches him and he smiles everytime she is around. This made me laugh because I have seen Elijah do the exact same thing with a girl he likes in his glass. Thankfully he still thinks kissing and stuff is gross, so I am not too worried. He also showed me his evil laugh he is working on right now. Alot of work to do yet. I told him I was scared, but wanted to laugh. He is also working on another magic trick he is trying to master and is wondering if I think he will master it. I told him he will and I can't wait to see it.
I turn all the lights off in the upstairs hall except for one by the bathroom and remind them all that I love them and to stay in there beds and no talking...or else!!
This time of the night is my favorite end to the day..that is until I look around at the mess downstairs that I still need to clean up. But I have to say there is a certain feeling of silence and peace knowing your children are tucked in for the night and now its time to relax before heading to bed yourself.
God's love is in everything, a childs smile or his laughter..so innocent and unconditional.