Boyfriends

Is it weird and creepy that I still look up my ex boy friend on facebook from time to time? I guess I really never got closure to that relationship. He doesn’t have the security settings right on is facebook page, so although he hasn’t friended me so to speak, I can still check in on him every now and then. I also got on his fiancée’s page too. I know it reeks of craziness, but I am curious about her and them as a couple. I can’t even hate the girl, since she’s been battling breast cancer etc. Also, she seems really sweet and good for him. I guess I always looked at him as the one I let get away. He was such a great guy and I was a total idiot and thought I was all that. I had convinced myself that my high school boyfriend for four years wasn’t the one for me and I had to go on an adventure and figure out the world for myself. A lot of good that did me. I always wanted to tell him I am sorry for being that way. I know from friends and family that he had a really hard time getting over our break up and for the record…I did too, I just didn’t tell anyone about how I felt.
I hate that feeling of failure. I always wanted to live in the city in which I was born and raised with some type of huge status…you know something I could say that I have accomplished and that I am some big time lawyer or doctor or something like that. I am not quite sure why there is such a stigma on coming back to the city where you grew up at? I almost feel like people label those who come back to our city as the “losers” or something. You know…the group who didn’t do anything with their lives...which is totally immature, but I see it all the time. I feel even stupider for thinking I belonged in any such group. The truth is that it really doesn’t matter. There are no groups really and we are all just people. We all have our flaws and secrets. Some of us may have kids, no kids, money, no money, big career, stay at home parents, working the taco bell drive thru or a messed up tainted past, but we are all in the same life with each other.
I almost feel bad for not having a white picket fenced life that I thought I would get by going on my so called adventure in life...like I let people down or maybe, now I really don’t have a good reason for walking out on people like my ex boyfriend so many years ago. It SUCKs when you burn bridges that you want to cross again later in life. We just never know what the future holds.
I can’t say I regret everything in my life that has happened to me, but I do wish I had made a few right turns instead of left ones throughout the years. I can do nothing about my past as it is written in stone and permanent. I can only do my best to move on and embrace myself. I guess this entails getting to know myself and that means understanding my past and all the decisions that went along with it.
I do hope my mysterious ex boyfriend is doing well in life and is very happy and although I know he will never read this...I will say, I am sorry for being the biggest jerk ever to you and hope you know I ate crow like a mountain lion for many years after we broke up... (Whatever that means). That feels good to say that. It’s the truth.
Since having facebook I have got reconnected with a lot of friends from my past and also saw a lot of boyfriends from my past that have stirred up a lot of emotions I thought was buried in the desert thousands of miles away. How the heck someone found it and shipped it Fed Ex priority mail to my front door step is beyond me. I guess that is the one biggest downer to living in the city where you grew up at….a lot of blasts from the past!!! I am having blasts everywhere in my backyard, you might say it’s the 4th of July up in this mug!
Anyways...that’s the confession for now. Blessings

Journey Unknown

My eyes are closing, but this light keeps forcing them open.

Am I dreaming? My eyes squint and water as I try to focus.

These vivid pictures and memories begin to reel through a screen that I can’t seem to stop.

A stabbing memory of this girl riding an elephant at the circus with her niece who was around 3 years old at the time keeps surfacing in my mind. The girl is so vibrant and full of life in this memory. I look at this picture in my memory, questioning if it was real. Could this be me? Was I really that beautiful and happy? Could’ve I been this woman? It doesn’t seem possible. I barely recognize the image in the photo, but there is no denying it. It is me. A “me” that left a long time ago, in order to survive.

Where did I go for the last 13 years?

There are horrific things that can happen to a young lady that can change the course of her whole life. Starting with one horrific night, a girl can go from happy and full of life in her every step too a shell of a body walking down a familiar path she used to know as her own life. Her every move is robotic in nature and to everyone around her she is fine.

Every decision that follows that one night is like a chain reaction of bad decisions, one explosion right after the other. Trying to blame the consequences of each decision on fate or a bad hand of cards being dealt to her, never unlocking the truth from that one night that changed her life forever.

A well guarded secret with an electric fence and bullet proof glass. Not even I can go near it until it all came crashing down and the sight of a very familiar face which was engraved on my soul brought my defenses down in one smooth vicious swoop.

Everything makes sense to me now. I have to face my defining moment in a past now bleeding internally. It’s like being resuscitated and the doctors realizing that you have blood clots and internal bleeding within you and if you don’t stop it soon, you will die.

I feel like I have been sleeping deep or being awakened from a coma. In this coma, I can hear and see everything around me, but am unable to get any control or shall I say, “summon” up the motivation to start taking control in my own life. I can think about what I should be doing all day long, but taking the steps to actually achieving this, is that obstacle that keeps me down on the mat for the count it seems.

I can remember many important things happening in my life, but it is almost as if those times were brief moments of consciousness that came and went. So many struggles and bad things that happened to me have kept me in a state of paralization. I am waking up and realize this now.

My obsession grows as I try to put the pieces together. I feel ignored though. I feel like those who love me would rather I hide this past of mine. But I cannot any longer. It is a well timed bomb within me that only I can shut off.

My nights, dreams and thoughts are consumed with the horror of this night. It is uncertain to me at this time on how I will escape this madness.

I cry out to my Messiah. Messiah! Hear my despair, I am lost and can’t be found. Please find me! Please show me your light! He is the way, the truth and the life. There is nothing greater in this world then him, this I know.

Clinging to my faith is all I have left. Life preservers thrown out almost too far too reach. I must swim to them if I am to survive. If I could only just reach it

And so the journey begins.

the dark is real

(This is not for the weak at heart. I wrote this for someone very real, who had something very real happen to them.)


The Dark is Real

She shoves her flaws and secrets down in a pit of heavy black paint, hoping she won’t ever see them again. Painful secrets tied to an anchor, sinking to the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean.

She wonders why after all this time are these secrets surfacing in her life. Like someone untied a dozen dead bodies from the bottom of the sea, her secrets emerge, suffocating her charade.

She sees him.

He is not in her thoughts because he is her friend…no he is not a friend.

The sight of him squeezes the breath out of her as she looks away in denial as the truth of what happened to her traps her in a steel room with no escape.

He is not in her thoughts because he is a friend.

He is not in her thoughts because he is a past lover.

He is not in her thoughts because she knows him well.

He is in her thoughts because,

Once upon a time…a girl who was new to the world as a baby being born thought she would venture out to a party with people everywhere. Although she was with her own friends, she got left by herself.

She walked about this party with a drink in hand. She barely touched it because she wasn’t sure of her surroundings and was worried because she couldn’t find anyone she knew.
But…he saw her and he wanted her.

He tried to befriend her, but she didn’t really like him and he didn’t want to accept that.

She was kind and decided to be nice and talk.

She sipped her drink; little did she know that she drank of poison…a poison that would numb her entire being.

Sleep hit her hard, but did not give her mercy or help.

When sleep untied her for a moment…a moment of eternity…the feeling of her body being tied and weighed down by something…something that wouldn’t let her go…what was happening…

She felt her body being thrust back n’ forth…the sound of flesh slapping over and over again rang in her ears like scrapping nails on a chalk board.

She couldn’t move…but she felt and she saw…she saw him…she saw him…his face…never to be forgotten.

He thrust himself into her over and over and over again...throwing her lifeless body around to satisfy his desires.

Kissing…spit….sweat….screaming silently…..she can’t speak…she can’t move….sleep takes her away again, pulling her away from the horror of her reality.

Sleep can't last forever…

She can move…she sees him…he lays their sleeping…naked and disgusting.

Makeup runs downs down her face…her neck covered in marks from his aggression…

She grabs all that she can and runs…runs as far as she can from him…

Wash….washing hard….scratching so hard it hurts….she can’t get him off of her…
She blames herself…she must have done something….something to make him think he could have her…

But she didn’t.

She can’t live like this…she wants to make the pain stop….no one will believe her…she sees what happens to other girls….
She doesn’t want to be one of those other girls…

So she takes her secret…one of many…and buries it in the deepest grave she can find…
She pretends it never happened…she thinks she has forgotten…

Life moves on….finding life is hard to do when you never breathe the same way again.

Time passes…a lot of time.

Years go by, places to live come and go, babies being born, marriages emerging...life continues for her.

Life seems to rush by her…never quite fast enough, she misses the handle to the merry go round over and over again…she keeps trying...

In an average day being an ordinary woman doing common routines she does everyday…life suddenly cracks open…….knocking her to the already shaking ground…

She sees him…a rage of hate and sadness wells up in her eyes, she can feel it surfacing...she swallows it back down ….she stares him down till it hurts her eyes…she can feel his uneasiness as he feels her remembering him, her eyes slapping him across the face…

She falls to her knees when she is alone and cries out for the pain to stop and for the memories to die…She still wants to believe it didn’t happen…its easier that way.

Life continues to torture her as there is nothing anyone can do for her now…too much time has passed by…

She sees him all the time now…sitting in his truck, hiding from her choking stare...

She feels the truth of that night, as if it were yesterday…it forces her to remember that it was real…he is real…what he took from her….he can’t give back….he ruined her

No matter how hard she tried, she was never the same after that night…

There is no justice for her…she waited too long to face her truth…