Journey Unknown

My eyes are closing, but this light keeps forcing them open.

Am I dreaming? My eyes squint and water as I try to focus.

These vivid pictures and memories begin to reel through a screen that I can’t seem to stop.

A stabbing memory of this girl riding an elephant at the circus with her niece who was around 3 years old at the time keeps surfacing in my mind. The girl is so vibrant and full of life in this memory. I look at this picture in my memory, questioning if it was real. Could this be me? Was I really that beautiful and happy? Could’ve I been this woman? It doesn’t seem possible. I barely recognize the image in the photo, but there is no denying it. It is me. A “me” that left a long time ago, in order to survive.

Where did I go for the last 13 years?

There are horrific things that can happen to a young lady that can change the course of her whole life. Starting with one horrific night, a girl can go from happy and full of life in her every step too a shell of a body walking down a familiar path she used to know as her own life. Her every move is robotic in nature and to everyone around her she is fine.

Every decision that follows that one night is like a chain reaction of bad decisions, one explosion right after the other. Trying to blame the consequences of each decision on fate or a bad hand of cards being dealt to her, never unlocking the truth from that one night that changed her life forever.

A well guarded secret with an electric fence and bullet proof glass. Not even I can go near it until it all came crashing down and the sight of a very familiar face which was engraved on my soul brought my defenses down in one smooth vicious swoop.

Everything makes sense to me now. I have to face my defining moment in a past now bleeding internally. It’s like being resuscitated and the doctors realizing that you have blood clots and internal bleeding within you and if you don’t stop it soon, you will die.

I feel like I have been sleeping deep or being awakened from a coma. In this coma, I can hear and see everything around me, but am unable to get any control or shall I say, “summon” up the motivation to start taking control in my own life. I can think about what I should be doing all day long, but taking the steps to actually achieving this, is that obstacle that keeps me down on the mat for the count it seems.

I can remember many important things happening in my life, but it is almost as if those times were brief moments of consciousness that came and went. So many struggles and bad things that happened to me have kept me in a state of paralization. I am waking up and realize this now.

My obsession grows as I try to put the pieces together. I feel ignored though. I feel like those who love me would rather I hide this past of mine. But I cannot any longer. It is a well timed bomb within me that only I can shut off.

My nights, dreams and thoughts are consumed with the horror of this night. It is uncertain to me at this time on how I will escape this madness.

I cry out to my Messiah. Messiah! Hear my despair, I am lost and can’t be found. Please find me! Please show me your light! He is the way, the truth and the life. There is nothing greater in this world then him, this I know.

Clinging to my faith is all I have left. Life preservers thrown out almost too far too reach. I must swim to them if I am to survive. If I could only just reach it

And so the journey begins.