Is it weird and creepy that I still look up my ex boy friend on facebook from time to time? I guess I really never got closure to that relationship. He doesn’t have the security settings right on is facebook page, so although he hasn’t friended me so to speak, I can still check in on him every now and then. I also got on his fiancée’s page too. I know it reeks of craziness, but I am curious about her and them as a couple. I can’t even hate the girl, since she’s been battling breast cancer etc. Also, she seems really sweet and good for him. I guess I always looked at him as the one I let get away. He was such a great guy and I was a total idiot and thought I was all that. I had convinced myself that my high school boyfriend for four years wasn’t the one for me and I had to go on an adventure and figure out the world for myself. A lot of good that did me. I always wanted to tell him I am sorry for being that way. I know from friends and family that he had a really hard time getting over our break up and for the record…I did too, I just didn’t tell anyone about how I felt.
I hate that feeling of failure. I always wanted to live in the city in which I was born and raised with some type of huge status…you know something I could say that I have accomplished and that I am some big time lawyer or doctor or something like that. I am not quite sure why there is such a stigma on coming back to the city where you grew up at? I almost feel like people label those who come back to our city as the “losers” or something. You know…the group who didn’t do anything with their lives...which is totally immature, but I see it all the time. I feel even stupider for thinking I belonged in any such group. The truth is that it really doesn’t matter. There are no groups really and we are all just people. We all have our flaws and secrets. Some of us may have kids, no kids, money, no money, big career, stay at home parents, working the taco bell drive thru or a messed up tainted past, but we are all in the same life with each other.
I almost feel bad for not having a white picket fenced life that I thought I would get by going on my so called adventure in life...like I let people down or maybe, now I really don’t have a good reason for walking out on people like my ex boyfriend so many years ago. It SUCKs when you burn bridges that you want to cross again later in life. We just never know what the future holds.
I can’t say I regret everything in my life that has happened to me, but I do wish I had made a few right turns instead of left ones throughout the years. I can do nothing about my past as it is written in stone and permanent. I can only do my best to move on and embrace myself. I guess this entails getting to know myself and that means understanding my past and all the decisions that went along with it.
I do hope my mysterious ex boyfriend is doing well in life and is very happy and although I know he will never read this...I will say, I am sorry for being the biggest jerk ever to you and hope you know I ate crow like a mountain lion for many years after we broke up... (Whatever that means). That feels good to say that. It’s the truth.
Since having facebook I have got reconnected with a lot of friends from my past and also saw a lot of boyfriends from my past that have stirred up a lot of emotions I thought was buried in the desert thousands of miles away. How the heck someone found it and shipped it Fed Ex priority mail to my front door step is beyond me. I guess that is the one biggest downer to living in the city where you grew up at….a lot of blasts from the past!!! I am having blasts everywhere in my backyard, you might say it’s the 4th of July up in this mug!
Anyways...that’s the confession for now. Blessings
I hate that feeling of failure. I always wanted to live in the city in which I was born and raised with some type of huge status…you know something I could say that I have accomplished and that I am some big time lawyer or doctor or something like that. I am not quite sure why there is such a stigma on coming back to the city where you grew up at? I almost feel like people label those who come back to our city as the “losers” or something. You know…the group who didn’t do anything with their lives...which is totally immature, but I see it all the time. I feel even stupider for thinking I belonged in any such group. The truth is that it really doesn’t matter. There are no groups really and we are all just people. We all have our flaws and secrets. Some of us may have kids, no kids, money, no money, big career, stay at home parents, working the taco bell drive thru or a messed up tainted past, but we are all in the same life with each other.
I almost feel bad for not having a white picket fenced life that I thought I would get by going on my so called adventure in life...like I let people down or maybe, now I really don’t have a good reason for walking out on people like my ex boyfriend so many years ago. It SUCKs when you burn bridges that you want to cross again later in life. We just never know what the future holds.
I can’t say I regret everything in my life that has happened to me, but I do wish I had made a few right turns instead of left ones throughout the years. I can do nothing about my past as it is written in stone and permanent. I can only do my best to move on and embrace myself. I guess this entails getting to know myself and that means understanding my past and all the decisions that went along with it.
I do hope my mysterious ex boyfriend is doing well in life and is very happy and although I know he will never read this...I will say, I am sorry for being the biggest jerk ever to you and hope you know I ate crow like a mountain lion for many years after we broke up... (Whatever that means). That feels good to say that. It’s the truth.
Since having facebook I have got reconnected with a lot of friends from my past and also saw a lot of boyfriends from my past that have stirred up a lot of emotions I thought was buried in the desert thousands of miles away. How the heck someone found it and shipped it Fed Ex priority mail to my front door step is beyond me. I guess that is the one biggest downer to living in the city where you grew up at….a lot of blasts from the past!!! I am having blasts everywhere in my backyard, you might say it’s the 4th of July up in this mug!
Anyways...that’s the confession for now. Blessings
I hear you girl. I have my own confessions... I think all you can do is be thankful for what you have, what you learned from the past, and what you are able to change... I am still working on the latter. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt sure is interesting reading this blog. I wouldn't be surprised if I was reading current stuff about you and didn't really know you, but I guess I didn't really know you back then either. That makes me sad. I wish I had been a better friend. Maybe we can remedy that sometime in the future. ~Jess
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